Back on the site

I have been absent for a while although am backish.

 

These last few months have been an amazing time for me, with the weight loss and becoming much healthier than I have been in years it has allowed me to get out and enjoy the things I used to do. I had taken up paddle boarding and would be at the lakes a few times a week at least, something about being near the water has always been soothing and healing for my soul.

I made some new friends along the way, Bret and Anna and became closer with an old friend Kevin from rockport marina. And I began to have hope again, that life could be better and could be enjoyed out in the light. Along the way I allowed my stupidity to come to the surface and overtake my better judgement, started hanging out with an incredible lady “Mary” and fell in love. I even discovered that I like kids something I was surprised to learn. It was amazing how much I looked forward to seeing her, or even just hearing her voice mail which would always bring a smile to me.

I even learned to get out of my comfort zone and danced for the first time, at one of her friends going away party. Learned to tango and then just modern 80s free style dancing, it is an evening I won’t forget being included and meeting people important to her, holding her close as we danced the night away. Talking about our favorite books, and the characters we would like to be. To be able to have an open heart and talk about life, the ups and the downs and not have to keep everything pushed down and buried.

These are things I am going to miss, I hope not for long although these last few days have been too long and unfortunately a private hell of my own creating to plague me while my mind wanders, and my heart hardens. For it turns out that I was wrong, hope is something I never should have had and love a path I was never meant to walk. This was all on my end, was only on my end I was just too dumb to see that.

So far each day is easier as I am able to bury the feelings and destroy myself in the private hell I created for myself, another few days of this and I am sure I won’t make the mistake of hoping for a good many years if again, I can hope I will not. And at least we have been able to remain friends, with time I hope my embarrassment will fade and she will forget how rash, stupid and foolish I was. And that she may forgive me for ever thinking I could be worthy of her or that she would ever be interested in someone like me, truly I should have never insulted her so.

For now we have been good, my mask has been put in place and I will smile and say I am awesome whenever she asks how I am. The walks and friend ship is appreciated, I am glad that I did not screw everything up, and hope that the hurt I caused her is minimal, not sure how long she will grace my life it may be a day or a decade although I plan to enjoy it while I can. I just have to make sure I don’t allow myself to hope again, how do I destroy hope within myself? I need to find this out.

Thank you Mary for the kind nature of your soul and forgiving me for my hubris

 

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