Wednesday night missery

Tonight I was told by a woman I love that she did not trust me. For a long time I felt our relationship dying although did not know far gone it was. I do not know if it can survive this, I can not see a way to move past this. Even if Jane tells me she does trust me her previous words and actions will prove that she does not. It was a truly depressing night thing to here and to know about your self. When we got back home from our shakes and drive we noticed her car had been egged and she was the victim of random cruelty. My heart and soul ached for her, and the pain she was going through to have her be the target of such pain. This was not the first time the poor woman’s car had been vandalized, it had been keyed before. But this was her brand new car, and the only one on the street that was hit. As i sat in the car as she washed it off I did get something written. Seems my mind new what my heart was feeling, not bad for under five minuets of typing. I will leave it for a while before locking it away.



Oh how I will miss your embrace, and your mind.
The laughter and sparkle in your eyes that light your smile.
The children, their pure delight and innocent laughter.
Hearing the call Pat Pat and a child’s love.
Our talks and walks, support and your arse.
Yes these are the things I will miss.
The memories, and photos the sounds of joy and laughter
that carry through the house, party sounds and tail lights.
These are the things that will haunt me.


New Years Day

While New Year’s Eve was lonely it was time to start making good on my new years resolutions… far failing epically and am going to give up my fist resolution. I do not know if the good I do in her life outdoes the pain being in it causes although for now I am willing to fight for it and not let out side people dictate my happiness. And she offered donuts so um yea that leads to resolution 2.

After breakfast with Mary it was time to head to bed and take a nap and work on catching up on sleep…..alas all good plans seem to fall apart. Instead it was time to get out into nature and do some hiking. My I-phone died on the trip, the infamous battery issue. On the bright side I did have two professional cameras and great lenses on my back. EOS-D 1 Mark II.


New Years Day 1

New Years Day 2

New Years Day 3

New Years Day 4

The draw back is that I had two professional cameras on my back and some epic lenses. And while I was in shape…the shape being out this made the trip even more interesting. Especially parts where it was required to sit down and slide over small drops 5′ to 10′. After the first drop I then asked my self how do we back out of this ice pit….well to late now might as well go further in. Sadly my boots and socks were not working that well and on the return trip it was with out socks….causing the boots to slide with each step.

Made it back to civilization and revived the phone, of course as luck would have it Mary had called. Luckily the offer was still on so I spent the eve playing with the the little one while his sister was at a basket ball game with the grandparents. And hanging out with the most incredible woman I know and whom I love! We had a simple dinner that I would do every night if it was with them. New Years Day was great, woke up to an invitation to join her for breakfast, got out of the smog and returned home to them, making this an incredible New Years Day even if my feet we raw and sore!


New Years Eve.

I hope every one has a safe and epic new years eve! For new years eve I wound up going to an epic light show in kearns/taylorsvile area. While I was at the show I kept thinking of wow I want to take the kids and Mary here. I wish they had been available or at least Mary had been although some things just don’t work the way we want. I did learn later that she had a good eve and some needed girls time and her soul was refreshed. For this I am truly grateful.

My new years goals are as follows.

  1. Admit Marry’s sisters were right and that I bring nothing to her but problems and to step out of there lifes. This is going to be an issue as I am weak and I am completely in love with her and the kids and would spend every moment possible with them.
  2. Get back into shape….and while round is a shape I mean into a healthier and better shape. Sadly I let my self go and put most of the weight back on. Will be updating the tracker soon.

24 Hour Fitness

I have gone to the 24 Hour Fitness in Trolley Square and Sugar house and have to say the customer service has been incredibly bad. The experience I had at the Trolley location was truly disappointing, The sales person did not care about current members and was not very helpful.

When I was talking with the gym I currently belong to they were willing to comp a months membership for referring a person and wave their sign up fee. So was looking at maybe having Mary jump gyms, 24hour fitness just laughed and said no. Going to follow up with the sugar house location and see if they care any more about their members.

Although two members have told me to avoid the sugar house location, both women have said the locker rooms at this location are disgusting, and never well maintained. Makes me wonder about this annual fee they charge if the members wont even use the showers out of fear of their health. Apparently the other locations are cleaner, not sure though. Their is also not a way to bring a guest in with you.


My first trial class was with Mary doing the body pump class, this was a miserable experience. As she was getting ready I went to secure us a couple of spots, had no idea where the gear was or where to set up, wandered aimlessly until a member showed me the ropes. The instructor was not very into it, and did not notice let alone ask if any one was new to the class. Heard from strangers to try the other instructors as they are better. So far, I am not sure I could recommend 24 hour fitness.


So far over the last few months I have really enjoyed 24hour fitness. The main issue is the lack of child prison, although the managers claim this should not be happening and that they are trained to step in. Sadly they have not been doing this when Mary has been going to the gym. The best part of the facility are the classes and going with Mary! I hope she keeps bringing me along. Over all I would recommend this Gym, even if they have some issue’s.

Back on the site

I have been absent for a while although am backish.


These last few months have been an amazing time for me, with the weight loss and becoming much healthier than I have been in years it has allowed me to get out and enjoy the things I used to do. I had taken up paddle boarding and would be at the lakes a few times a week at least, something about being near the water has always been soothing and healing for my soul.

I made some new friends along the way, Bret and Anna and became closer with an old friend Kevin from rockport marina. And I began to have hope again, that life could be better and could be enjoyed out in the light. Along the way I allowed my stupidity to come to the surface and overtake my better judgement, started hanging out with an incredible lady “Mary” and fell in love. I even discovered that I like kids something I was surprised to learn. It was amazing how much I looked forward to seeing her, or even just hearing her voice mail which would always bring a smile to me.

I even learned to get out of my comfort zone and danced for the first time, at one of her friends going away party. Learned to tango and then just modern 80s free style dancing, it is an evening I won’t forget being included and meeting people important to her, holding her close as we danced the night away. Talking about our favorite books, and the characters we would like to be. To be able to have an open heart and talk about life, the ups and the downs and not have to keep everything pushed down and buried.

These are things I am going to miss, I hope not for long although these last few days have been too long and unfortunately a private hell of my own creating to plague me while my mind wanders, and my heart hardens. For it turns out that I was wrong, hope is something I never should have had and love a path I was never meant to walk. This was all on my end, was only on my end I was just too dumb to see that.

So far each day is easier as I am able to bury the feelings and destroy myself in the private hell I created for myself, another few days of this and I am sure I won’t make the mistake of hoping for a good many years if again, I can hope I will not. And at least we have been able to remain friends, with time I hope my embarrassment will fade and she will forget how rash, stupid and foolish I was. And that she may forgive me for ever thinking I could be worthy of her or that she would ever be interested in someone like me, truly I should have never insulted her so.

For now we have been good, my mask has been put in place and I will smile and say I am awesome whenever she asks how I am. The walks and friend ship is appreciated, I am glad that I did not screw everything up, and hope that the hurt I caused her is minimal, not sure how long she will grace my life it may be a day or a decade although I plan to enjoy it while I can. I just have to make sure I don’t allow myself to hope again, how do I destroy hope within myself? I need to find this out.

Thank you Mary for the kind nature of your soul and forgiving me for my hubris


San Rafael Swell

We are lucky to live in a place as beautiful and diverse as Utah is, not only are the people friendly for the most part we also have a low crime rate and an amazing selection of outdoor activity’s.

This is my first time that I can recall going to the Swells, I had started off with the plan of going up to Rockport Marina to meet with Bret, Anna & Kevin. Although after becoming heart broken Friday night I decided to try something different, I absolutely did not want to risk having this incredibly horrible day associated with a place I love so much. Even though I should have expected it and can understand where Mary is coming from it still always hurts to be rejected and know you are not good enough. It looks like we are going to be able to remain friends even through my stupidity and on the bright side I no longer have to worry about being open and discussing feelings or where I am at emotionally can just do an “I’m awesome” when ever asked.

I am truly grateful though that we are able to remain friends and that I will have her in my life even if it is just as friends, I hope that I can be a good friend for her and be their for her when ever she needs some on to lean on, vent to or just have a friendly oi from.

The San Rafael Swell is just a few hours from Salt Lake City, when approaching the area it does not look remarkable at all just another flat bid of arid land, how ever once you arrive it totally transforms to an amazing and beautiful wonder a truly mini grand canyon. The river bottom below is around 1400 feet from the top. Besides amazing Vista Views their are ancient wall art and dinosaur bones to be seen. I plan on coming back to this place even if it lacks any real amount of water to play on. Explore this amazing state of ours and get your steps in!

Cascade Springs Utah

If you have not had the chance to go to cascade springs I would recommend a trip their. Was just down their on the 8th with a good friend & had a blast. The scenery was great and even though we are in October the weather was perfect. This was a great mental pick me up, and also made it so I did not have to sit through another round of Thursday meetings. It is important that we get out and be social, to do the things that make us happy. It was nice to escape the politics of the office and a bsc family.



For the first time in a long time I have been happy, looking back over the summer I didn’t realize how unhappy and depressed I have been. It had become the norm for me to be isolated in a dark room surrounded by computers with the shades drawn and black out cloth over the windows. Having a friend in the neighborhood that has ostracized our family for so long has been a surprising blessing, unfortuantly I feel I am becoming to happy and optimistic, I know I should not allow hope. Although unfortunately I have fallen in love with this wonderful lady. She is smart, sassy, gorgeous and caring.

It breaks my heart to know she has been hurt and that she has gone through such dark times, although I would not change that for it is what has helped make her the incredible person she is today and I would not change who she is.

Silver Lake

Today had me stepping out side of my normal routine and exploring Silver Lake, in the past my idea of exploring some place like this would have been simply using google images and calling it good from the climate controlled comfort of my nerdcave. Lately how ever I have been getting into shape, exercising and getting out of the dark and into the sunny outdoors, while prefered activity is still Stand Up Paddle Boarding thanks to Utah Surf Rentals and Glide SUP getting me hooked on the sport. This was an amazing outing. I am grateful that Mary and her family took me on this adventure, I look forward to the next outing we have. Whether it is a stroll through the neighborhood or a hike or stroll along a boardwalk or a paddle.

They say laughter is the best medicine, I don’t know that is the case although it is an amazing balm for the soul. Thank you Mary, you have truly made my life better and I am grateful for these gems you have shown me, such as Silver Lake.

The walk is a relatively easy one around the lake, with a well maintained board walk for most of the journey although it does break down into some dirt trails. These are also in good repair and have no tricky parts or wicked elevation game. Their are other paths you can explore for a more intense jaunt. The area is also home to some moose, and wide array of wild flowers and other interesting wild life. If you do happen to see the moose, give them plenty of room and don’t harass these beautiful animals.

Posts from the past